Pants on Fire

.Craig Cardilino

Today I had a realization.  I was speaking with someone and realized that a lot of what I was saying was complete lies.  I’m sure you know the lies I am talking about – the ones where you say something to be polite or because a specific answer to a question is just expected.  “How are you doing?”  “I’m fine, how are you?”  The conversation I was having seemed to be filled with these types of lies and it got me to thinking… How often do I do this on a daily basis without even thinking about it?  What are some other things I am lying about?  Well for anyone who reads this and also has the pleasure of talking with me at some point – here are the things that I am undoubtedly lying to you about, and what I would say to you if I wasn’t such a huge liar.

Question: “How was your weekend?”

My Response: “It was good, how was yours?”

Real Answer: “It was really fun if you enjoy things like cleaning the house for hours, doing yard work, and fixing the thousand things around my house/cars that seem to be constantly breaking.  I, on the other, do not enjoy these things.  I spent the entire weekend doing these things while looking forward to the part of the weekend that involved NOT doing these things, which never came, and now I am back at work looking forward to next weekend.  Next weekend which will also involve all of these things.”

Question: “Could you do (insert task here) for me?”

My Response: “No problem.”

Real Answer: “The last thing on Earth I want to do is this task you’ve given me.  I have a list of 200 other tasks that I should be doing for myself, yet am putting off because I’m lazy.  So sure, I will do this task and the whole time be thinking about how much of a problem it is.”

Question: “We should get together soon.”

My Response: “Definitely.”

Real Answer: “Haha, probably not.  I’m either way too busy with things that are not fun at all but somehow take precedence – or enjoying the few moments in my life that are not consumed with going somewhere/doing something/accomplishing something.  I will, however, text you in about 3 months and ask you why we haven’t gotten together yet, like I am surprised that it hasn’t happened.”

Question: “Daddy, what is that thing?”

My Response: “Ummm, I’m not sure honey.”

Real Answer: “The thing you are asking about is either much too complicated for your three year old brain to understand, something that is not appropriate for a three year old to know about, or it is something that I am not sure exactly how to explain.  Either way, I will plead ignorance and hope you drop it altogether.”

Question: “What are you thinking about?”

My Response: “Nothing really.”

Real Answer: “I’m currently thinking about how hungry I am and excited about what could be for dinner.  Afterwards I will be trying to remember if there is any kind of sporting event on television that I can watch, while simultaneously wondering if I can convince you to let me eat dinner on the couch, with no pants on, while watching this sporting event.”

Question: “I’m back from vacation! Did you miss me?”

My Response: “Haha totally.”

Real Answer: “Haha, nope.”

Question: “How’s work going?”

My Response: “Good!”

Real Answer: “I dream about winning the lottery and quitting my job 367 times, on average, per day.”

Question: “Did you hear about the (something newsworthy)?”

My Response: “I think I read something about that this morning.”

Real Answer: “No idea what you are talking about.”

Or

Real Answer: “YESS!  I read about it for like 3 hours this morning all in the hopes that someone would ask me about this and I would seem BRILLIANT by knowing everything about it!”

Question: “Would you like some more (food)?”

My Response: “Aw, no thanks I am really full.”

Real Answer: “There’s no way I could eat any more food right now.  Unless it’s chocolate cake.  Somehow I can always find some room for a piece of chocolate cake.  Do we have any cake?”

Question: “Did you ever get that thing done we talked about a little bit ago?”

My Response: “Almost.  Almost done.”

Real Answer: “I will start on it now.”

Question: “How are the kids?”

My Response: “They are doing well, thank you!”

Real Answer: “Its soooo much work!  Why didn’t anyone tell us it would be SOOOOO MUCH WORK?”

Question: “Do you invest in stocks at all?”

My Response: “A little bit here and there, nothing crazy.”

Real Answer: “The tiny amount of money I have left after paying bills each week is invested in trying to convince my children to grow up and become a doctor or a professional athlete.”

Question: “Would you like fries with that?”

My Response: “No thanks.”

Real Answer: “I would LOVE fries, but I’m pretty sure I will have to dig through my car to find a couple extra dollars in change to pay for what I currently have ordered, so I guess I’ll pass.”

Statement: “I love reading your blog, it’s really funny!”

My Response: “Aw, thanks.”

Real Response: “Of course it is.  Were you somehow previously unaware of how creative and hilarious I am?”

I truly could go on and on and on with this post but I have doubled my allotted words and will have to finish this topic sometime in the future. (The next time I have no new creative or interesting ideas I will just regurgitate this idea with a few more lies.)  I am quite disturbed with how big a liar I actually am.  It’s a bit depressing to tell you the truth. (I really don’t feel bad about this but I want you to think I feel bad so you don’t think I’m an awful person.) After writing this, I think that I will make a bigger effort to be a little more truthful in my everyday conversations. (Nope.)  Hopefully this post will make more people realize how often they lie to each other and make everyone want to be a little more truthful from here on out. (Yeah, I couldn’t care less if you lie to each other.)

Until next time. (Please come back and read more of my blog so that maybe one day I can make some money off of this nonsense.)